There Is No Interview and There Never Was



Recently, Sony Studios was hacked.  Maybe by North Korea, we just don’t know.  This led to terrorists (maybe North Korea?) threatening any moviegoers and theaters that would show this movie on it’s release date on Christmas day.  Many major cinema chains decided to pull the movie and not show it out of fear of attack,  And rightfully so, as a movie massacre isn’t the kind of blood anyone wants on their hands for the sake of “not letting the terrorists win”.  The threat had compared the potential attack to the likes of 9/11, and that is a threat people take seriously, hashtag never4get.

I have a controversial theory though that this movie… never existed.  Sure it was leaked online, but I didn’t see it, so if I didn’t see it, then it’s not real (see: object permanence).  The premise of the movie was so meta, and James Franco is a living, breathing enigma of performance art that I would not be surprised if there was no interview movie.  Call me crazy, but this is the same guy who made the “art” of him having jizzed on a Batman mask, so anything’s possible.

art, I guess.

Diane: Alienating a Whole Namegroup

If your name is Diane, you’re not going to like this.  Or perhaps you will appreciate it and identify with this list of

Facts about Diane

  • Many Dianes enjoy perms
  • Shopping at Kohl’s is a must
  • Dianes?  they get sloppy drunk
  • Diane will tell you what doctor oz thinks you should do about your migraine headaches
  • Dianes know that eggs contain cholesterol so you should limit your intake
  • Dianes love to go to the doctor
  • Diane is on cholesterol medication
  • Diane will fwd you a funny Cathy cartoon
  • Dianes would love to ride their bicycles to work instead of driving but sometimes it’s raining so they don’t
  • Dianes are always willing to update you about how chilly it is outside
  • Diane will do zumba about 5 times and then never talk about it again
  • Dianes are acutely aware of whether or not people are eating something that is “healthy”
    And if you are eating something “healthy” they will praise you
    if you or not you’ll get a “good for you!”
  • Diane will cut a goddamn cupcake in half
  • Diane is gluten-free
    (there is no reason she just read it’s healthy)
  • Diane also doesn’t exactly know what gluten is.
  • Diane votes for whomever her husband votes for.
  • What are Dianes made of?  Carbon fiber exoskeleton and silicon bicarbonate living tissue simulant.
  • Diane will post on facebook a glib photo of jesus with “like for a prayer, share for redemption, ignore for satan”
  • and you bet Diane believes in angels.
  • Dianes are pleased to receive “Life Is Good” items for holidays
  • Dianes definitely legitimately laugh at Big Bang Theory
  • And absolutely consider themselves a “carrie” but can sometimes be a bit of a “samantha.”
  • She’s read 50 shades of Grey and has her movie ticket pre-ordered.
  • Rachel Ray recipes?  you know she loves em.
  • Dianes think out loud.
    about that dream they had.
  • Related: Dianes don’t have interesting dreams.

Thank you to my charming, beautiful and piss-your-pants hilarious friend Brigitte for providing many of these facts along with all the laughs… you are my muse forever.

How Is Babby Formed?


Guess what internet!  There is a human baby in me!

baby n nadine

99% sure this is not due to alien abduction, will keep all posted though.

It’s pretty cool so far.  I’ve not gained weight, which my doctor wants to limit.  I don’t have morning sickness, which really pisses off other women.  All in all, I feel mostly normal except for this crushing fatigue.  If I’m not working or eating, I’m sleeping.

The cravings are pretty real though.  After a series of unfortunate events on Friday that lead me to not get the lunch I wanted, I was a raging horror bitch the rest of the afternoon.  The other night, I basically held my boyfriend hostage as I drove us both to Taco Bell and announced yes, that is what was for dinner.  On another note, do you know how freakin’ popular Taco Bell is on a Friday night over here?  It’s really bizarre.  The drive-thru was like 16 cars deep and the wait after ordering our food was 20 minutes.  It was really peculiar.  I was not the only pregnant lady in there.

I’ve learned that there’s not a lot of boundaries when it comes to asking me questions or giving me advice.  There are very few people in the world I share all the intimate details of my life with, and those are the few that I would realistically answer questions or even consider their advice.  One of the most peculiar things I’ve found is for acquaintances or not really close friends, (or let’s be honest, anyone that isn’t on our emergency contact list) feels free to ask “Was this planned or a surprise?”  What the fuck is it to you?  That’s really rude and intrusive.  Basically you’re asking to what extent was the purpose of our fucking?  Gross.  What’s next, you’re gonna ask what positions we used, or maybe if we put on a little Ginuwine?

I’ve already heard enough weird old wive’s tales, which I’m not taking seriously.  “Don’t bend over too much.”  Why?  What?  Am I going to dent the baby?

So let me just pre-answer some of the questions I’ve been getting the most:

I feel fine.  Just tired.  And hungry.

Yes, we’re going to find out the sex.

Yes, we have names picked out.  No, we’re not telling you.

You will be able to touch my belly for $1.  $5 if it kicks.

Please don’t ask weird questions about my tits.  Or my marital status.  Or religious plans.  If my answers don’t line up with your ideals, you’re not changing my mind, trust me.


Do What You Want

I gave up all my Guilty Pleasures.

Sort of.

I stopped classifying them as “guilty pleasures” and hiding things that I felt like I should be ashamed about liking.  I’m a grown woman, I can do and like and eat and drink whatever I want.  Here is some of the shit that I unabashedly enjoy out in the open now.


1.  Trolli Candy

sneak preview of The Matrix 4

One day my co-worker was heading out to the dollar store and asked to anyone listening “you want anything from the dollar store?”  And I said yes, I would like some Trolli gummi worms, please.  Because I am an adult and make decisions.  The Dollar Tree has them cheaper than at Walgreens (my usual candy stop).  I love their sour gummi worms and they got a sick ass tumblr… which leads me to my next item….


2.  Gifs/Tumblr

I got a really cool tumblr because I love gifs, like this one:

I can respond to any situation with a gif.  If you’re feeling down and we’re chat-buddies, I’ll definitely send you a gif to try to make you laugh.  Say something sassy and I’ll have a gif for that too.  There is not a situation where a gif won’t make everything better.

3.  Monster Energy Drinks.

a photo of my actual desk @ work 8/12/14

One day I confessed to my friend and fellow coffee-lover and weight-loss confidante Wendy that I like Monster Energy Drinks to get me going, in addition to coffee, or replacing it some days.  Hearing her say “OMG ME TOO” Made me feel so normal and less of a secret junkie.  It’s an energy drink, not meth.  I used to not tell my boyfriend that I was into this garbage.  It’s no worse than his diet soda!  Now I buy it at the supermarket with grocery shopping and even use a coupon if I got one.  It’s cheaper than buying them one-a-day (or two-a-day) at the convenience store by my office.  Next stop:  Getting a case at Sam’s Club, where they have my favorite flavors:  Pink and Orange and Rehab.  Never blue.  No one likes the blue one.


4.  Keeping Up With The Kardashians


I like the Kardashian shows.  I keep up with them now.  I DVR it.  I used to watch it in secret when my boyfriend wasn’t home.  One day he caught me watching it.  Then I just let go and let Kardashians, and now I DVR it and I also play the game on my phone.  The latest episode makes me want a Kris Jenner/MJ (her mom) spin-off.  MJ has conquered cancer, twice!  Now she is having trouble with back pain since she is older and it makes it tough to get around.  Being a good daughter, Kris thought to go get a medical marijuana card so she can try some alternative medicine on her mother.  PLOT TWIST:  MJ already had a card for some MJ!  They eat gummi-weed-candy and hi-jinks ensue.


5.  Buzzfeed



I don’t even care how ~basic~ this website is.  I’m not ashamed anymore.  I like reading numbered lists and looking at gifs and remembering the 90’s and shit.  Hey, at least I don’t post my quiz results on Facebook and annoy the shit out of everyone.  Sometimes they have some real articles though, when in a poignant moment I think “wow, I am getting some legitimate news from Buzzfeed, who’d have thought?”  One of my favorite twitter-friends @BrokeyMcPoverty writes some of THEEEE BEEESSST Buzzfeed pieces, and you can read them all here.


6.  “Shitty” Music

Everyone needs to stop being so elitist about music.  You like what you like, even if it’s shitty, basic, top 40 shit.  I’m tired of getting flack for liking “weird” music or shit that’s too basic or horrible or just irritating.  So what, you can judge my Spotify feed all you like, but imma listen to 90’s music 4 LYFE.  BACKSTREET’S BACK, ALRIGHT!


7.  Mason Jars


They’re fucking everywhere.  I can drink out of them, grow a plant in ’em, put salad in ’em, hold some q-tips or use it as a shabby-chic vase.  What can’t you do with mason jars?  (Lol no not actually canning food obviously).  I have definitely yelled at my boyfriend for throwing away a “good” jar, when he reminds me “this is all shitted up and you can buy a whole case of them for cheap.”  I can be a jar-hoarder. Check out this board for more jarring ideas.


8.  Reading User Comments on Local News Articles


If you ever want to lose your faith in humanity, just go and read the comments section of your local newspaper’s articles.  Is it just New Jersey?  Is everyone everywhere this horrible, racist, xenophobic and uninformed?  We just don’t know.  Sometimes I get pissy enough to comment back at a particular horrible comment.  But more often, I like to respond with “I don’t get it, what does that mean?”  When someone says something racist.  Because it makes them look even more awful when they have to type out “You see, the stereotype of black people being on welfare ….”  Like it’s not doing them favors.


9.  Procrastinating

No minute quite like the last minute!  Sometimes, letting your to-do list marinate in front of you breeds really good incentive and motivation while you check out Buzzfeed, Pinterest, g-chat your friends or cover your stapler in glitter glue.


10. Fad Diets

As you can clearly tell from my love of candy, TV and procrastinating, I still have a weight problem.  I love reading about weird new diets, judging people on them, trying weird shit myself and considering stuff like paleo, veganism, juice cleanses and glutens.



I love Ancient Aliens.  Kicking back on a Friday Night with Ancient Aliens on H2 and then there’s shows like Uncovering Aliens and all kinds of stuff on the other learning-type channels.  I FUCKING LOVE ALIEN SHOWS.