How many times have I thought “wow significant things have happened, maybe I’ll blog about it.”
Then refreshed that thought with a swift “ah, who cares anyways.”
Big important things happened to me and I didn’t know how to talk about any of them. I don’t want to make a big sentimental post, or get emotional about it. A year ago I lost my mother. Maybe I’m still processing that. In my typical, dysfunctional way of dealing with Big Emotions, I took the route of “distraction.” Taking on a big project or new thing or literally anything else other than acknowledging the elephant in the room.
But I did acknowledge the elephant in the room, myself. So, in February, I got weight loss surgery. That’s been my big project: myself. It’s been a long year, and I’m down 90 lbs. I’ve found strength in places I didn’t think I had. I pushed myself harder than I thought was possible. It’s taken me to a point where I have processed some grief along the way. And realized, for the second time in your life, that this isn’t something you just get over. The grief gets woven into the quilt of your life, and it’s apart of you in different ways. I’ve been able to think more about myself, and wonder if I’m just a selfish person. That my reaction to losing a parent is to go all “new me” about it. That wasn’t it, necessarily. But the catalyst of life being short and that I should hurry up and do something to take care of myself now before it is too late was definitely the initial urgent motivator.
There’s so many layers and nuances to embrace of myself, my mind and my body and I’m feeling more and more like a whole person with the more weight I lose. Not because my weight equates my worth, but I am putting work into myself, and making myself feel like a significant priority.