This Ain’t NASA

Eye contact.  It can be used to convey messages, or simply to express “yes, I am listening.”

I’ve been encountering so many idiots that I’ve got to wonder “is it me?”  Am I the problem?  Am I not doing enough with my verbal or non-verbal communication to actually relay things to people?
The other day some weirdo came into my office soliciting some shit.  I have no idea what though, since I couldn’t understand what he was saying with his thick accent.  Because of my desk, I couldn’t really see him from the knees down, and someone I work with was passing through the hall and saw me talking to this guy.  She informed me later that she had to stop herself from bursting out laughing because he was wearing these:
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I get it’s cultural attire.  I wouldn’t have laughed at him if I saw it.  I might have been surprised, surely, being that they didn’t exactly coordinate with the rest of the suit. Elves tend to wear something a little more  At least it’s not sandals.  There is a large Indian population where I live and work, and they will wear sandals until the snow is falling on their toesies.  I don’t know how they do it.  Anyways, I was doing the polite “Thank you for stopping by, but we’re not interested.”  And he was just not getting it.  Just giving me this intense look and then “well we can open an account real quick.”  And I’m just like Oh no.  I don’t want to do that.  But have a good day.  Cue some more weird eye contact.  Like…. “have a good day” is your dismissal.  You can go now.
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This morning I go to Dunkin Donuts on my way to work.  The drive-thru line looks long so I figure I will go inside.  Even though it’s hella cold, getting out of the car also gives me a chance to dispose of accumulated car trash as well.  So I get in, and there is one lady ordering in front of me and it seems like A Hassle.  Her order is finally complete and I’m up and this young guy kind of wanders away… first behind a door next to the register, then he yells something over to the other workers.  He comes back to the register and after a weird pause where he’s just looking at me he goes “how can I help you?”  Like ok maybe I didn’t just start blabbing my order out before you spoke because you are not giving any indication that you are at all prepared for this interaction.  So I start saying what I want, and he cuts me off two words in, and begins yelling at the other workers again.  So I’m like “uh ok…” out loud.  And then he’s like ok what can I get you, and that repeats once more with me getting cut off so he can yell something.  At this point I’m visibly annoyed, because then he starts apologizing and I’m like OK ARE YOU READY NOW??? And then I hear a manager come out and she yells at everyone to get their shit together because it’s a different problem every 5 minutes and this is Dunkin Donuts, not NASA.  I laughed.
Anyways, I’m trying to have significant eye contact with people because we live in A Society, but since Trump’s been elected all forms of human normalcy are slowly eroding away so I guess this is just life now.

I Tried to Make Clickbait…. and you won’t believe what happened

I’m a sucker.

There, I said it.  I. Am. A. Sucker.  Sell me something and I’m buying it.  I see a commercial and I want the thing.  I am susceptible to limited-time only foods (I ate the hot dog from Burger King and you won’t believe what happened! [diarhhea]) and as-seen-on-tv items in a serious way.

Things I’ve Bought from As-Seen-On-TV

  • Sham Wow
  • Spicy Shelf
  • Vegetti
  • Oxy Clean (before it got popular)
  • U Glu Adhesive Strips
  • Ped Egg
  • Rapid Defrosting Tray
  • Shark Rotator Vacuum (this is actually a really good vacuum 10/10 would buy again)
  • and many more!

Emails about sales at stores I like, they know my soul.  But the one that gets me on a daily friggin basis is clickbait articles.  I hate myself as I’m clicking on them to see “what happens next will amaze you” headlines.  I know it’s going to be stupid, underwhelming or schmaltzy but I do it.

Then I thought …. wait a second…. those clicks…. could be MY clicks!

What if people were clicking on MY blog?

So I set out to do a thing.  I was pretty vague.  I see a lot of “I ______ for a week, and here’s what happened” articles.  They intrigue and annoy me in equal parts.  I’m also still fat so I’m like ok let’s do some kind of weight loss thing for a week and then blog about it.

 “I ate like my infant daughter for a week…. and here’s what happened.”

Go on a diet based on only foods that I would feed to my baby!  Long story short, she now eats McDonald’s because of my dedication to the story.

I kid.

She eats very healthy.  When I was doing this project, she ate mostly purees, which I made at home myself (#humblebrag) – applesauce, pears, peaches, carrots, peas, squash, oatmeal, yogurt.  She ate some baby crackers, puffs and yogurt melts as she was starting out on finger foods.

My girl's breakfast, lunch & snacks for the week
My girl’s breakfast, lunch & snacks for the week

But the fact of the matter is, I can’t stick to a diet under normal circumstances.  So I also got my BFF to go in on this with me, and we vowed to snapchat each other pictures of everything we ate.  Here are some of my photos….


I ate things like applesauce, yogurt, salad, fruit, hummus, oatmeal, cous cous, chicken, vegetables and crackers.

What happened?  I lost like 10 pounds in a week.  No joke.

Now I’m over here lamenting “waaaaah I need to lose weight” as though I don’t know how.  I clearly CAN when I put my mind to it.  I. Just. Don’t. Like. It.  Eating healthy sucks, getting my food ready sucks, having to think about things in advance and plan meals sucks. I didn’t even last the whole week on this diet, only 5 days-ish.  And I LOST 10 POUNDS.  What the fuck self, maybe if you apply yourself to trying just a little bit every day instead of trying to do some weird click-bait article, magical things will happen.

I’ve gotten to that point where I’ve tried too many weird diets that I don’t even remember how to eat the health. Are apples still good? Do I eat carbs? Don’t talk to people who eat gluten? What’s a quinoa? And Dear Sweet Lord Please God No Kale.

Dieting pros:

  • lose weight
  • feel better
  • more confidence
  • clothes look good

Dieting cons:

  • I just got an ice cream maker for my birthday
  • I really like ice cream
  • Brownies go good with ice cream
  • Worried about decreasing breastmilk supply

All in all, my week-ish of eating basic, healthy foods that I’d let my baby eat taught me that I can eat better but I just don’t.

Another Hospital What-to-Pack Guide for the Expectant Mother

So when you go to the hospital to have that uterine-dweller make their grand entrance into the world, you’re going to need some things.  Technically, you don’t need anything because ladies can pop one out on the freeway or in the elevator or parking lot of the hospital and never once cry about not having their stupid chapstick.  I can be an over-packer for any vacation and I didn’t want to be that way for a hospital stay that would be 2-4 days max.  So, here is my real life list of what to pack and what to ditch.

 1.  A Bag

Some checklists have you pack a small bag for labor and a larger bag for your hospital stay.  I didn’t do that.  I just packed one bag.  I did not get a fancy bag or bring my suitcase.  It was one of those quilted duffle bags from the craft store that they always have a giant bin of next to the entrance.  I think they’re supposed to look like Vera Bradley.  And honestly I have no frickin clue why you’d spend $100+ on a Vera Bradley ugly print bag when you can have an AC Moore ugly print bag for less than $20.  I got the black and white one from the photo above.

2.  A Robe


A robe was nice to have after delivery.  Your hormones will be wacked the fuck out for a while which will make your body temperature fluctuate.  Couple that with the hospital being freezing cold at times.  They kept L&D very chilly because laboring moms are muy caliente.  This robe comes in handy at home too and is good for opening up a flap and breastfeeding.


3.  Lip Balm

Chapstick.  Specifically EOS is the one I’m in love with.  This isn’t specifically related to labor I guess, but I always want chapstick around because when I don’t have it, I sorely miss it.


4.  Slippers

The hospital will give you the weird non-skid prison socks, but when you’re walking the halls trying to move labor along, slippers are nice.  I got the ballet ones shown above, and the slip on ones as well from Kohl’s.

5.  Fuzzy Socks


Uh I got these really good socks from Christmas Tree Shop.  They have the non-skid bottoms and they’re longer than regular socks.  They were big too, which is good.  If you have a c-section, they pump you full of fluids before hand.  I was more bloated and swollen AFTER birth than before.  I couldn’t wear regular shoes and the smaller socks I had didn’t fit.  So get some comfy fuzzy socks.

6.  Pillow

Maybe don’t bring it because I left mine at the hospital by accident.  But it was nice to have one big nice pillow instead of trying to make a bunch of shitty hospital pillows work.


7.  Toiletries


What I used:  shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, moisturizer, deodorant, travel hair dryer.  That’s it, just the basics.  You don’t need to get fancy.  You just crapped out a baby, you don’t need to be a hero.


8.  Clothes to go Home


Don’t fuck around like you’re gonna look good.  See above, re: crapping out a baby.  Yoga pants and a maternity t-shirt and flip flops is how I cruised on out of the hospital.  You might think “a maxi dress” would work well, but you would be wrong, because you need some real pants to hold up the industrial sized maxi pad that you’re riding like a pony.

9.  Clothes for the baby to go Home


I had my baby when it was warm out so we put her in some footie pajamas and put a blanket around her in the car seat and she was good to go.  Don’t get too fancy.  Baby needs to be warm, and you’re going to need to change them often, so easy-open pj’s are best.  Dresses don’t do that great in a car seat.

10.  Extra long phone charger

Hospitals don’t have a lot of outlets for you to use.  Get a 10 foot phone charger, it has come in handy a lot.

11.  Nursing Pillow

I did not bring this with me but wished I had.  It is far superior to Boppy, first of all.  Second of all, trying to use the hospital pillows in assisting with breastfeeding positions was useless.  Buy My Breastfriend nursing pillow and bring it with you.

12.  Nipple Cream

Your nipples will be on fire for a few weeks, not gonna lie.  Use this before you even have discomfort, after every feeding, starting at the hospital.  My lactation consultant recommended this at the breastfeeding class I took before I even gave birth and it was a lifesaver.  BoobEase Organic Nipple Balm


What I did not need/bring

  • Makeup.  I know some women like makeup a lot more than I do, but I had bigger problems than my under-eye circles and knew well in advance I’d not be assed to give one flying fuck about putting makeup on.  Once I was showered and dressed, that was enough of a happy transformation for me.  I was not going to win any beauty.
  • Pads.  I knew the hospital would have them, and was told to take as many freebies as I could.


What I brought that I ended up not needing

  • Those tennis balls to help with back pain during labor.  I ended up having a c-section so it was a moot point.
  • Nightgowns… I just wore my hospital gown. Even more WTF in my mind is the women who order fancy custom-made hospital gowns.  Really why?  Does a chevron-print blood and milk stained hospital gown enhance the birthing experience somehow?
  • Change:  all the lists said bring change for the vending machine but that wasn’t really a concern.  Plus my hospital had an Au Bon Pain and was within a block of a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Starbucks.
  • Snacks.  I know, surprise right?  Me, the queen of snacks, did not need snacks.  I ate what the hospital provided and didn’t have the time or appetite to be lounging around and eating much more.  On the plus side, I had those Nutella snack packs to bring home and eat for a few weeks.


So I became a mom and dropped off the face of the earth?

Do I sum up everything in one blog post or have several posts about many things?

I’ll post more and expand on each topic but here’s the long and short of it:

  • I lost my job, found another one, hated it, found a different one and love it.
  • I’m super awesome at being a mom and I love it!
  • I’ve been breastfeeding my baby for 8 months!
  • I’ve been hospitalized 3 times since June and had a major surgery!

Ok, so months and months have gone by, this is my preview of what I’ll start posting about tomorrow.  So now I’ll leave you with a pic…

Don’t forget you can follow me on Facebook



I’m a Mom

Remember a few months ago I said I was pregnant?  Guess what, I had a baby!  She is hands down my favorite person in the world.

Meet my little girl, Elizabeth Dawn.  Born June 2, 2015 – 9:19 am.  20 inches.  7 lbs 15 oz.


So being a mom is pretty cool and it doesn’t feel real yet.  They seriously let you just leave the hospital with a baby, and the only terms are “do you have a car seat and did you buckle her in it properly.”  That is it.

Huge props to nurses.  L&D and post-partum nurses do so much.  They do so many very intimate and humbling things that now I really understand why people give treats to the nursing staff.  They deserve it so much.  I am thankful to the bottom of my heart for the amazing care I received while in the hospital from the kind nursing staff that absolutely went above and beyond the amount of care I thought I would receive for a typical hospital stay.