Another Hospital What-to-Pack Guide for the Expectant Mother

So when you go to the hospital to have that uterine-dweller make their grand entrance into the world, you’re going to need some things.  Technically, you don’t need anything because ladies can pop one out on the freeway or in the elevator or parking lot of the hospital and never once cry about not having their stupid chapstick.  I can be an over-packer for any vacation and I didn’t want to be that way for a hospital stay that would be 2-4 days max.  So, here is my real life list of what to pack and what to ditch.

 1.  A Bag

Some checklists have you pack a small bag for labor and a larger bag for your hospital stay.  I didn’t do that.  I just packed one bag.  I did not get a fancy bag or bring my suitcase.  It was one of those quilted duffle bags from the craft store that they always have a giant bin of next to the entrance.  I think they’re supposed to look like Vera Bradley.  And honestly I have no frickin clue why you’d spend $100+ on a Vera Bradley ugly print bag when you can have an AC Moore ugly print bag for less than $20.  I got the black and white one from the photo above.

2.  A Robe


A robe was nice to have after delivery.  Your hormones will be wacked the fuck out for a while which will make your body temperature fluctuate.  Couple that with the hospital being freezing cold at times.  They kept L&D very chilly because laboring moms are muy caliente.  This robe comes in handy at home too and is good for opening up a flap and breastfeeding.


3.  Lip Balm

Chapstick.  Specifically EOS is the one I’m in love with.  This isn’t specifically related to labor I guess, but I always want chapstick around because when I don’t have it, I sorely miss it.


4.  Slippers

The hospital will give you the weird non-skid prison socks, but when you’re walking the halls trying to move labor along, slippers are nice.  I got the ballet ones shown above, and the slip on ones as well from Kohl’s.

5.  Fuzzy Socks


Uh I got these really good socks from Christmas Tree Shop.  They have the non-skid bottoms and they’re longer than regular socks.  They were big too, which is good.  If you have a c-section, they pump you full of fluids before hand.  I was more bloated and swollen AFTER birth than before.  I couldn’t wear regular shoes and the smaller socks I had didn’t fit.  So get some comfy fuzzy socks.

6.  Pillow

Maybe don’t bring it because I left mine at the hospital by accident.  But it was nice to have one big nice pillow instead of trying to make a bunch of shitty hospital pillows work.


7.  Toiletries


What I used:  shampoo, conditioner, face wash, body wash, moisturizer, deodorant, travel hair dryer.  That’s it, just the basics.  You don’t need to get fancy.  You just crapped out a baby, you don’t need to be a hero.


8.  Clothes to go Home


Don’t fuck around like you’re gonna look good.  See above, re: crapping out a baby.  Yoga pants and a maternity t-shirt and flip flops is how I cruised on out of the hospital.  You might think “a maxi dress” would work well, but you would be wrong, because you need some real pants to hold up the industrial sized maxi pad that you’re riding like a pony.

9.  Clothes for the baby to go Home


I had my baby when it was warm out so we put her in some footie pajamas and put a blanket around her in the car seat and she was good to go.  Don’t get too fancy.  Baby needs to be warm, and you’re going to need to change them often, so easy-open pj’s are best.  Dresses don’t do that great in a car seat.

10.  Extra long phone charger

Hospitals don’t have a lot of outlets for you to use.  Get a 10 foot phone charger, it has come in handy a lot.

11.  Nursing Pillow

I did not bring this with me but wished I had.  It is far superior to Boppy, first of all.  Second of all, trying to use the hospital pillows in assisting with breastfeeding positions was useless.  Buy My Breastfriend nursing pillow and bring it with you.

12.  Nipple Cream

Your nipples will be on fire for a few weeks, not gonna lie.  Use this before you even have discomfort, after every feeding, starting at the hospital.  My lactation consultant recommended this at the breastfeeding class I took before I even gave birth and it was a lifesaver.  BoobEase Organic Nipple Balm


What I did not need/bring

  • Makeup.  I know some women like makeup a lot more than I do, but I had bigger problems than my under-eye circles and knew well in advance I’d not be assed to give one flying fuck about putting makeup on.  Once I was showered and dressed, that was enough of a happy transformation for me.  I was not going to win any beauty.
  • Pads.  I knew the hospital would have them, and was told to take as many freebies as I could.


What I brought that I ended up not needing

  • Those tennis balls to help with back pain during labor.  I ended up having a c-section so it was a moot point.
  • Nightgowns… I just wore my hospital gown. Even more WTF in my mind is the women who order fancy custom-made hospital gowns.  Really why?  Does a chevron-print blood and milk stained hospital gown enhance the birthing experience somehow?
  • Change:  all the lists said bring change for the vending machine but that wasn’t really a concern.  Plus my hospital had an Au Bon Pain and was within a block of a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Starbucks.
  • Snacks.  I know, surprise right?  Me, the queen of snacks, did not need snacks.  I ate what the hospital provided and didn’t have the time or appetite to be lounging around and eating much more.  On the plus side, I had those Nutella snack packs to bring home and eat for a few weeks.


So I became a mom and dropped off the face of the earth?

Do I sum up everything in one blog post or have several posts about many things?

I’ll post more and expand on each topic but here’s the long and short of it:

  • I lost my job, found another one, hated it, found a different one and love it.
  • I’m super awesome at being a mom and I love it!
  • I’ve been breastfeeding my baby for 8 months!
  • I’ve been hospitalized 3 times since June and had a major surgery!

Ok, so months and months have gone by, this is my preview of what I’ll start posting about tomorrow.  So now I’ll leave you with a pic…

Don’t forget you can follow me on Facebook



How Many

How many women do you know who have been raped? Statistically, it’s many more than you’d like to believe. Unfortunately, the rape culture in our society has a way of silencing those victims.

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape). 17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape. (source)

I am a survivor of sexual assault. The power dynamic that comes from someone being abused, whether as an adult or a child, lies in that inequity of power and fear.  A rapist has more power than their victim.  A victim might not come out forever.  Some people wait until they feel “safe” enough to speak about something, even if it is 20 years too late.  A victim might not speak out until they feel they have a safety net, in this case, the reassurance of more than 20 women who went through the exact same assault. You carry it inside you until you cannot any longer, it is a burden you will always bear.  It’s something that the abuser doesn’t ever have to think about, but as someone who was sexually abused, there is always that chip.  There is always something that you know was taken away from you.  No matter how strong of a person you are, someone took something from you forcefully.  As strong as I think I am, I feel weak and shamed for having never come forward before.
This sensitive topic has been brought to light once again by over twenty, now closer to thirty women accusing Bill Cosby of sexual assault.
“So why speak out at all and why now?” she asks in her essay. “The simple answer is that it’s the right thing to do.” (source)
It’s polarizing.  People are very easily and casually saying “well I wasn’t there, I don’t know.”
We are all innocent until proven guilty in a court of law in this country.  Bill Cosby is lucky he won’t have to face the law. He gets to stay rich and stay free.  Any personal attack consequences he’s faced in recent years will never affect his comfort or quality of life.  He will never have to go to therapy for PTSD or feel shame when he has to explain to a gynecologist or other medical professional why he flinches at the slightest and most clinical touch.  Over two dozen women have accused Bill Cosby of sexually assaulting them, yet he will likely never face a judge or jury of his peers.  He will still work, make glib “jokes” about the allegations, make money and then die.  Even with his tarnished reputation, he will be remembered as a comedian and actor first and a rapist second.
“He would never do that!”  or “He’s such a nice guy” or phrases like “But look how much he’s done for the community” or “He comes from a good family” don’t apply to just this celebrity scandal in question.  Rapists and abusers hide in plain sight.  They are not all knife-wielding psychopaths in ski masks waiting to ambush you from a dark alley.  They are someone you know.  A family member, a baby-sitter, a trusted friend, your own boyfriend or husband.  It could be literally anyone  despite how wholesome they appear to the community.  That is how they get away with it.  That’s a tactic that kept me quiet for so long, thinking no one would believe me.  “But he was your boyfriend” and “aren’t you two friends?”  The inequity of power as well, when you know damn well that someone has more money than you do, it is a caste system as you sadly realize you don’t stand a chance.
This affects me personally.  I’ve been assaulted by three different men that were in my life at different ages.  The fear kept me quiet.  Fear of “don’t tell anyone or I will hurt you and your family.”  The fear that, if I did tell anyone, my abuser would not be the only one on trial, because I truly feared that my father would literally kill the men who harmed me and end up in jail.  I did not want my dad to go to jail for trying to protect me.  The fear of not being believed kept me quiet for years and years, but enough is enough.  Instead of feeling shame of thinking “why me, why was it me, three times over?” I am here to say that I am not ashamed or guilty for being assaulted and raped.  I did not deserve this, and no woman, man or child does.  Period.  It does not matter what you were wearing, who you were with, how much you drank, if you said yes and then no, or even said no and eventually yes to just make it easier on yourself.  It is time to end victim shaming.

I recently cut ties with someone because of a simple FB post, just one sentence innocently typed-  “I support Bill Cosby”. It really triggered an array of complicated feelings inside me- betrayal, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, rage, sorrow.  Nearly 1 in 5 women report having been sexually abused in their lifetime.  And that is only the percentage that have been brave enough to come forward and say something, even if they chose not to report it to the police.   When you make a glib statement like that to your network on social media, consider how many people you are hurting with that statement – “I’m OK with this rapist.”  Because, as a silent victim who up until now, had too much shame and fear to talk about my assaults, that’s all I read.  The follow-up comments calling the victims gold-diggers and attention seekers were just as hurtful. It hurts to lose a friend I’d been close with for many years, but I simply couldn’t have someone in my life that could so easily say the same statements about me. No one prospers from a false rape allegation.  The percentage of false accusations are about the same as any other crime, but because of their personal nature and the difficultly in prosecuting rape cases, it is easy for people to misconstrue the facts and statistics as they see fit.  It’s easier to call a woman a whore than to call a priest, father, coach, boyfriend or actor a rapist.

It’s taken me a long time to say this.  It has taken me a long time to acknowledge these things happened to me, even to those closest to me.  This was my time to come forward.  It’s 20 years later and I will get no justice for what was done to me.  But I am putting this out there for women to know- I am part of the statistic that stands with them in surviving sexual abuse.

There Is No Interview and There Never Was



Recently, Sony Studios was hacked.  Maybe by North Korea, we just don’t know.  This led to terrorists (maybe North Korea?) threatening any moviegoers and theaters that would show this movie on it’s release date on Christmas day.  Many major cinema chains decided to pull the movie and not show it out of fear of attack,  And rightfully so, as a movie massacre isn’t the kind of blood anyone wants on their hands for the sake of “not letting the terrorists win”.  The threat had compared the potential attack to the likes of 9/11, and that is a threat people take seriously, hashtag never4get.

I have a controversial theory though that this movie… never existed.  Sure it was leaked online, but I didn’t see it, so if I didn’t see it, then it’s not real (see: object permanence).  The premise of the movie was so meta, and James Franco is a living, breathing enigma of performance art that I would not be surprised if there was no interview movie.  Call me crazy, but this is the same guy who made the “art” of him having jizzed on a Batman mask, so anything’s possible.

art, I guess.

Diane: Alienating a Whole Namegroup

If your name is Diane, you’re not going to like this.  Or perhaps you will appreciate it and identify with this list of

Facts about Diane

  • Many Dianes enjoy perms
  • Shopping at Kohl’s is a must
  • Dianes?  they get sloppy drunk
  • Diane will tell you what doctor oz thinks you should do about your migraine headaches
  • Dianes know that eggs contain cholesterol so you should limit your intake
  • Dianes love to go to the doctor
  • Diane is on cholesterol medication
  • Diane will fwd you a funny Cathy cartoon
  • Dianes would love to ride their bicycles to work instead of driving but sometimes it’s raining so they don’t
  • Dianes are always willing to update you about how chilly it is outside
  • Diane will do zumba about 5 times and then never talk about it again
  • Dianes are acutely aware of whether or not people are eating something that is “healthy”
    And if you are eating something “healthy” they will praise you
    if you or not you’ll get a “good for you!”
  • Diane will cut a goddamn cupcake in half
  • Diane is gluten-free
    (there is no reason she just read it’s healthy)
  • Diane also doesn’t exactly know what gluten is.
  • Diane votes for whomever her husband votes for.
  • What are Dianes made of?  Carbon fiber exoskeleton and silicon bicarbonate living tissue simulant.
  • Diane will post on facebook a glib photo of jesus with “like for a prayer, share for redemption, ignore for satan”
  • and you bet Diane believes in angels.
  • Dianes are pleased to receive “Life Is Good” items for holidays
  • Dianes definitely legitimately laugh at Big Bang Theory
  • And absolutely consider themselves a “carrie” but can sometimes be a bit of a “samantha.”
  • She’s read 50 shades of Grey and has her movie ticket pre-ordered.
  • Rachel Ray recipes?  you know she loves em.
  • Dianes think out loud.
    about that dream they had.
  • Related: Dianes don’t have interesting dreams.

Thank you to my charming, beautiful and piss-your-pants hilarious friend Brigitte for providing many of these facts along with all the laughs… you are my muse forever.