There’s always this strange feeling for me that comes with the beginning of September. It’s bittersweet, it’s sad, it’s something that gives me this empty anxiety feeling. In a way that people get Seasonal Affective Disorder, I just chalked it up to being that – my mind not jiving well with diminished daylight and the existential knowledge that time is running out.
I tried to think about it more though, why does this affect me so deeply and personally? Why do I have that sad ache when the calendar changes and I get that first cool breath of wind on my skin as it’s still being warmed by a bright sun? It’s a muscle memory thing, it’s the way you’re reminded by a scent of someone long gone. The aching for a simpler time when I put on my crisp new clothes for the first day back at school. I was the kid that really enjoyed going back to school. New clothes, fresh notebooks, a clean slate for a new year… all of those things brought out an excited optimism within me. I miss that.
I miss the days when the whole family would spend chilly autumn days at the football field. I was a cheerleader for one solid year, my brother played football regularly and my dad was a coach while my mom was either volunteering in the concessions stand or sitting on the chilly metal bleachers with her mom squad. When I was in high school, Saturday mornings were spent sitting on those same bleachers freezing my literal ass with the rest of the marching band. Every other morning of the fall was spent early before school started practicing our routines out on the dewy and sometimes frosted football field. I hated it then, but I wish at this moment I could revisit it. You never know when the good old days are until you’re out of them.
It’s hard not to think about September 11th when this rolls around. When I have those bright, warm & clear autumn September days, it’s hard not to think “this is just like that day…” How I remember on a whim I went to NYC on September 4, 2001 just to be there, and would be the second and final time I’d visited the WTC.
The first of September simultaneously makes me mourn the end of another summer gone and be excited for the fun autumn activities that are to come. As my daughter gets bigger we can do more things with her that she can enjoy as well. I’m looking forward to going to the farm, pumpkin picking, baking, hay rides and hikes through crunchy leaves together this year.
As the calendar changes from August to September with intermittent crisp and warmer days, I take this time to acknowledge my nostalgia for days passed, and put my foot forward to embracing all the great things that are to come in the next few months. Load me up with that pumpkin spice, get me a hot cup of mulled cider and a fresh donut at the farm, and let’s get hella spoopy as Halloween arrives. I’m ready for you, Fall.