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Quickie #0.01

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There’s supposed to be some sort of winter storm coming up tonight or tomorrow or some shit.  I don’t really know or care because I’ll be in work anyways.  But I noticed on the weather.com page that they are calling it “Storm Saturn.”  When did we start naming every storm?  This seems new, right?  Did we get such a hardon for naming shit after Sandy that we’re gonna go balls to the wall naming every weather occurrence?

Know what I would LIKE to have defined to me?  What the shit is sleet?  What is it?  I don’t even know.  Frozen rain?  Freezing rain?  Snow and rain coming down together?  Those weird ice pellets that fell from the sky last week that I didn’t even understand since it looked like halite (sidewalk salt), I would like THAT to be named.

Got Acne? Win some stuff!

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Hello friends.

I’ve posted a couple guest blog reviews over at my good friend Kizzy’s beauty blog.  My most recent review is for the Coral Actives acne cleansing bar.    Literally the only staple in my beauty regimen is the Coral Actives line.  It keeps your face clear, and now it also KEEPS YOUR BODY CLEAR?  Got zits on your back, shoulders, arms or butt?  Get their acne cleansing bar for your body and get rid of that stuff.  I get acne around my bra a lot, and this stuff keeps it clear. Spring & Summer will be here before you know it.  Ain’t nobody got time for tank tops when you got body acne.

Go over to Kizzy’s blog now and enter to win a Coral Actives Acne Cleansing Bar for free.  You won’t regret it.  Go! Enter! Now! Free!

Shit My Boyfriend Doesn’t Like to Hear When I’m Behind the Wheel

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In a court of car, the vehicle occupants are represented by two equal parties, the Driver and the Passenger.  These are their stories.

  • Ugh, where am I even going, I don’t even remember.
  • I don’t even feel like I’m using my brain to navigate, I’m going on intuition like a goose in flight.
  • (Gets behind the wheel) Ok, let’s drive this thing.  Now which is the gas again?
  • (Calling from a gynecologist’s office) I locked the keys in the car.
  • (After getting co-worker to pick me up from the gyno) Oh, I forgot I had AAA.
  • It’s near impossible to do the Macarena while driving.
  • Where am I, none of this even looks remotely familiar? (about 5 miles from home)
  • (boyfriend tells a joke, I’m non-responsive, then he nudges me) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep.
  • Sometimes I try to see how far I can drive without using any blinkers.  It’s a personal challenge.
  • How am I even awake, this can’t be legal.
  • I wish I had unlimited funds and a hundred cars so I could just crash into all these awful people.
  • I was rapping really hard at these black guys, but I had the windows closed, so they don’t even know it was Will Smith and I looked pretty HAM.
  • What do you mean “I’m driving on the shoulder?”
  • Hey, lean over and smell my face real quick.
  • Oh no, my drill!  (discovering the drill I keep in the backseat took on water during Hurricane Sandy)
  • What, sometimes I have to drill stuff… on the go.
  • Uh, I missed the exit.  (I didn’t even get to the exit) But things look so different….
  • Yes, I have been listening to Billy Joel on repeat for 3 days.  He’s a good driver, just like me.
I say a lot of things.  I’m a good driver though I swear.  
Vroom Vroom mothafuckaaaaas!

When you think Dildo Party, you think of me.

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Some people you look at and get to know and you have a good idea of their interests and things they would enjoy.  One of my more rural friends enjoys woodworking and just through a 10 minute chat with him, a new friend had discerned that he would thrive at an arts workshop later next year.  Amazon knows what you’re going to like based upon things you look at, have on your wishlist or have purchased in the past.  They know that I like hair gel, Stephen King and whippets?  Wait, what was that last one?  I’m not necessarily a fan of whippets.  I’ve never done them, but I look at some fucked up shit on the internet I suppose and so one morning I received this email:

One thing rings true to so many ladies that they will always think of me for a certain event.  It’s not brunch, it’s not shopping at the mall, rollerskating, hiking, paint-your-own-pottery or pogs.  Those are all things I’d be totally stoked about. However, no one can come across a Passion Party and not invite me.  There is something about my personality that SCREAMS “I love dong parties!”  In case you aren’t aware, a Passion Party or Sexy Sleepover is a “party” that someone has at their house.  It’s a lot like a tupperware party or a Mary Kay think, it’s sex toys.  Instead of buying food storage containers, you can order sex lubes with a bunch of friends (or family…….. …………….)  Instead of trying on different lipsticks and perfumes, you can purchase porn and handcuffs and dildos.

I’m not a prude.  I’m just not into parties where the only time you invite me somewhere is when you’re trying to sell me something.  That’s not a party, my dudes.  Let me tell you a little bit about what a party actually is. On Saturday night I invited many of my & my boyfriend’s friends over the house to drink, eat, chat, laugh, fuck around and not give us any money.  We put up a bunch in effort and money to provide merriment for people we like!  I’m not complaining about any of it – we love to entertain.  What isn’t a party in my book is when the only time you invite me to your house is when you have like no good snacks, no thoughtful cocktails and you want me to BUY THINGS.  No!  At least a garage sale is straight forward.  It is a SALE. Don’t trick me into thinking something is a party when it’s a sales pitch!

I’ve been invited to lots of “parties” and turned them down.  I don’t want to buy dip mix, overpriced jewelry, or dildos.  I mean of course I want to buy dildos, but preferably from the comfort and anonymity of my own home.  I have turned down SO many dildo party invitations, it’s not even funny.  I think the most notorious dongtervention I’ve turned down was the one my ex husband’s sister-in-law threw for me the night before my wedding, inviting all the ladies in the family.  My ex’s mother, his aunt, his grandmothers, even his great aunt WHO IS ALSO A NUN.  WHAT EVEN IS THAT I CAN’T KNOW.  I said no thanks and spent the evening before my wedding in the hot tub at the hotel with my real bitches.

The day has come though where I’ve finally caved and accepted an invitation to a buttplug soiree.  A cousin of mine is having one for her birthday.  Soooo… I don’t know, there’s that.  I’ve finally been broken down and my will eroded enough over time that I have accepted the fact that I’m going to a vibrator fiesta and I’m OK with that.  I’m not gonna lie, I could USE a new vibrator.  I am almost ashamed to admit that I have left a path of broken vibrators in my wake.  Maybe not “ashamed” but confused…. I’m not a marathon masturbator and I sure as hell don’t slam ’em that hard or anything, but I keep breaking them.  As Jaclyn put it “it needs to be built for mileage, because I ride ’em to Tiajuana.”  So fine.  You invite me to a dildo party?  Be prepared.  You wanna know what kind of messed up shit I like to do with my private parts, that’s on you.  I’m gonna ask the party consultant a lot of awkward questions.  “What’s the MPG on this rabbit, anyways?” or “Do you have a tester?”  To make things even more interesting, I’ll bring my own vibrator, and ask “What, I thought you traded in your old one for credit, like a used car!”

Wish me luck.  I’ll let ya know how it goes.

Never Over

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I made it through Hurricane Sandy pretty lucky.  At our home, we only had some water seep into the car and it only affected our carpets.  Nothing else.  Drive-able, no electric damage, nothing.  We were out of power for 5 days and that was rough, I had my “no electricity breakdown” on day 4, but through it all I knew that I was lucky that I wasn’t among people who lost everything to flood, fire, wind and everything else that happened.

Never would I have imagined that I’d live through a storm in my area bad enough that they hold a telethon for my area.  Not that I got to see this telethon, with no electricity and all.  It’s heartbreaking, seeing all the devastation.  Going through this, it changes you.  Personally, I am afraid.  I’m always afraid of losing power now, because it keeps happening.  We’ve had two times that power went out at our house since it was restored.  Nothing seems permanent.  While I’m thankful and grateful for all the utility workers that have worked round the clock shifts to restore things, and thankful to the fleets of utility workers coming from all over the country to help repair things, I am still leery that our utility companies have legitimately invested in disaster preparedness.  There are still places without power and it is the 13th day they are in the cold and the dark or living in a shelter.  I know that this has been damage beyond imagine here, but I can’t help but worry that the people that we pay to give us electricity and ensure that it keeps flowing and is repaired in a timely manner are not actually putting stock into actually being ready for something like this.

With that uncertainty in my power supply, I don’t even want to go grocery shopping anymore.  I don’t want to lose a bunch of food again do to spoilage from a refrigerator without electricity.  This week after the power went out again, I just was so defeated.  My boyfriend and I only bought a couple things when we’d gone grocery shopping a few days earlier, but what if we had done a whole re-stock like many families have done, and lost $300 worth of food again?  The value of non-perishable food has never been more clear.  I don’t even want to buy food more than a day ahead of when I’m going to use it if it needs to be refrigerated.

There is a gas issue going on in our state.  Two of our biggest refineries are still out of service and we will have odd/even day gas allowances until they are back up and running.  The lines around my area have gone down, but the first few days there were 2 hour waits in some places to fill up your car or people with gas cans for their generators.  Fights were breaking down on line to get gas.  In times of crisis like this, you will see either the best in humanity come forward, and we all help our fellow neighbors, or you will see the worst in people as they fist fight for things they need to survive.

Before the storm, I tried to do my best to prepare.  I did’t think that “the worst” would happen, but I prepared as much as I could anyways.  Doing things also helps to settle my nerves when I’m anticipating something to either happen or not happen.  Here are things that I did before the storm that actually helped:

  1. We filled up the car with a full tank of gas.  I can’t stress how important this is.  The news said to do this, and so we did.  Other people did not heed this warning and then they ran out of gas while on the gas line with less than a quarter in their tank.  Fill up your car before something is about to happen!
  2. Bought non-perishable foods.  We were lucky to still have gas to our house to cook things, so we cooked up our perishable food first and then after that we could still make pasta and things.  
  3. Bought a bag of ice.  When shit started seeming legit, we bought a bag of ice and put it in the freezer.  A few hours after the power went out, we got our cooler, put in our save-able perishable foods and topped it with the still-frozen ice from the freezer.  We thought this would save some food in case we got power back soon.  The power didn’t come back for days, but this makeshift icechest really did help keep foods from going bad.  Half and half for my coffee was good for days.
  4. Filled up empty Poland Spring jugs with tap water.  In case we did not have water, we had 20 gallons of water ready, plus the one case of bottled water we purchased.  
  5. Do all the laundry.  If you’re out of power, you can’t wash your clothes.  If you don’t have hot water, you’re not taking a lot of showers.  Have some clean clothes.  This really came in handy.
  6. Take out money from the ATM.  Mike remembered to do this and it was helpful.  I can’t tell you how many idiots on Facebook or the news I saw lamenting that stores or gas stations were only accepting cash.  We were warned this could happen.  Fill up on cash and gas!  
  7. Have all your supplies at the ready.  When you’re in the dark and you don’t know where your matches, batteries or lanterns are, you are going to have a lot of regrets.  I put a tray table in the living room and on that I put all the batteries, candles, matches, emergency lantern and flashlights on it.  Just the comfort of knowing where your emergency supplies are can deflect the feelings of panic that you’re bound to be stuffing back.  It’s also good to take stock of your emergency supplies before the trouble actually come so you can pick up anything you might be missing.
  8. Get some booze.  Shit be boring in the dark.  Might as well drink.
That’s all I got.  Figured I’d follow up on the post-apocalyptic world that I live in now.  I started this yesterday, and last night I had another nightmare that the power went out again and woke up frantic to check that something would turn on.  That’s been happening a lot… waking up afraid there’s no more power.  Like a weird kind of fucked up electricity-loss PTSD.