Shit My Boyfriend Doesn’t Like to Hear When I’m Behind the Wheel

In a court of car, the vehicle occupants are represented by two equal parties, the Driver and the Passenger.  These are their stories.

  • Ugh, where am I even going, I don’t even remember.
  • I don’t even feel like I’m using my brain to navigate, I’m going on intuition like a goose in flight.
  • (Gets behind the wheel) Ok, let’s drive this thing.  Now which is the gas again?
  • (Calling from a gynecologist’s office) I locked the keys in the car.
  • (After getting co-worker to pick me up from the gyno) Oh, I forgot I had AAA.
  • It’s near impossible to do the Macarena while driving.
  • Where am I, none of this even looks remotely familiar? (about 5 miles from home)
  • (boyfriend tells a joke, I’m non-responsive, then he nudges me) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep.
  • Sometimes I try to see how far I can drive without using any blinkers.  It’s a personal challenge.
  • How am I even awake, this can’t be legal.
  • I wish I had unlimited funds and a hundred cars so I could just crash into all these awful people.
  • I was rapping really hard at these black guys, but I had the windows closed, so they don’t even know it was Will Smith and I looked pretty HAM.
  • What do you mean “I’m driving on the shoulder?”
  • Hey, lean over and smell my face real quick.
  • Oh no, my drill!  (discovering the drill I keep in the backseat took on water during Hurricane Sandy)
  • What, sometimes I have to drill stuff… on the go.
  • Uh, I missed the exit.  (I didn’t even get to the exit) But things look so different….
  • Yes, I have been listening to Billy Joel on repeat for 3 days.  He’s a good driver, just like me.
I say a lot of things.  I’m a good driver though I swear.  
Vroom Vroom mothafuckaaaaas!
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