Where Does My Heart Beat Now?

When did my creativity die?

I used to make things all the time.  I was always crafting.  I had huge containers full of supplies, scraps and tools to create with.  At any given time, I was in the middle of a project or making a gift for someone I knew.  Hell, even on vacation at the shore, I’d bring my small box with “craft necessities” with me to do things while relaxing.

I can’t even remember when the last time was that I made something.  I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually finished a project that I’d started.

one of the candles I made

Something about my marriage ending killed my craftiness.  The last time I was really crafty and creative was when I was candle making.  I was so into it I had a short-lived business venture of it.  I would have never “started a business” at all if it weren’t for the rules of the town’s craft fair stating that you must be licensed as a business in order to participate in the craft fair.  That was my goal, to be in a craft fair, even just once, just to know that I could do it and people would buy my wares.  I worked so hard for two months every day making candles that looked like cupcakes up until the night before of the craft fair.  I was proud of myself.

some of my candles on display at the craft fair

me at the craft fair

Then, that was it.  I just was done.  I realized I didn’t want to do that as a business because it took up so much of my time to try to make a profit, and I’d stopped enjoying what I was doing.  After that, things just dried up, creatively.  Months after the craft fair, my husband and I separated.  After he moved out, I threw out a lot of things.  I threw out my craft supplies because I never used them.

When I read “Bag of Bones” by Stephen King, and the main character had a problem with writer’s block, I identified with that because I feel as though I’ve been through some sort of “crafter’s block” or “artist’s block.”  I used to love making things for people.  Now I don’t feel like anyone even wants my gifts.  I’m even pretty sure that my boyfriend wouldn’t like anything I made.  You know the way when you get a card and you go oh that’s nice, you look at it for a few days, but eventually you just throw it out?  That’s what I feel like anything that I make is.  Everyone’s just looking at it like some kid’s stupid art project.

I see things.  I want to make things.  I don’t know how to start again.  I’d literally have to start from the beginning by getting supplies again.  I used to have a whole box full of different paints and brushes.  I don’t even have one now.  Sigh.

(Visited 15 times, 1 visits today)

6 responses to “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?

  1. I’ve been feeling the crafty itch myself a lot lately too. I’m finally starting to work on Caitlyn’s birthday scrapbook. And by “starting” I mean I got together all the stuff that need to go into that scrapbook. You wanna help me with scrapbooking one day? I have a SHITLOAD of pages to make. And for the record, I have all the cards and craft things I’ve ever gotten from you (except for the cupcake candle, which, sadly, is totally used up- that shit smelled DELICIOUS!). When I was getting the shit together for scrapbooking I was going through some stuff and I found some of the craft stuff you made me the other day. Remember the frames with the stick figures? Those are still awesome. And I found a Valentine’s Day heart you made me that’s all pretty and sparkly. And remember how one of my favorite hospital pictures of Caitlyn is the one where she’s wearing the hat you made her? I seriously still have EVERYTHING.

  2. yeah! so many good memories at your house, Bonnie. I clearly remember listening to CDs of MTV Party to Go in your basement while playing pool, thinking we were cool as hell.

Leave a Reply