What I Did on my Spring Vacation

Last week was my birthday.  I’ll pause while you all send me well wishes…

For my birthday, my BFF Jaclyn decided we would go on a super fun vacation, kind of as a way for all of us girls (the three of us that went) to celebrate that we turn 30 this year, instead of the alternative of not going on vacation, staying home and sobbing in a dark room that I have turned thirty and accomplished no life goals.

There was five of us on the trip:  Jaclyn, me, my boyfriend Mike, my friend Tara and my boyfriend’s best friend Jim.  It was a long trip from New Jersey to Virginia but it was a fun road trip!  I’m notorious for hating long periods in the car, but this was great.  Me, Mike and Tara were in Mike’s car and Jaclyn and Jim were in Jim’s jeep.  Thank good for his jeep, otherwise we would need a wish and a van to get all our crap to our destination.  No one got lost on the way, save for when we were nearly at our destination and went up several scary dirt roads near our cabin.  The shack at the top of one of those dirt roads had clothes hanging off the porch, all kinds of crap laying around, and you could just hear the banjos from Deliverance playing as we all prayed that the owners of the dirty clapboard shack didn’t come out with a shotgun talkin’ about how we ain’t from around there…

We had to drive about a mile from the “main” road, which was paved, on a less-scary dirt road to reach our cabin.  When we pulled up, I squealed with joy… I’d found my own Beyoncé

The first thing I did when I get there was run around all the decks surrounding the house, all the rooms of the house, the pool room and everything just giddy and excited like a kid on Christmas morning.  This place was quaint and beautiful, rustic and charming, decorated in a rooster theme.  My god was there a rooster theme. You couldn’t shake a stick without hitting a rooster.  The cabin was all around wonderful.  It had two bedrooms and a third loft bedroom that you got to via a spiral staircase in one of the living rooms.  There were two living rooms, the one near the bedroom which had the TV, and the other living room off the dining room was more of just a sitting room which also had a piano in it.  That came in handy for all of us who never learned any piano skills beyond Chopsticks and drunkenly running our hands the length of the keys while passing through the room.  The dining room was great too and had a big table for all of us to sit and eat at, and the kitchen was pretty big and also had a large table, but we just used that table to hold all our food we brought.  The other rooms worth mentioning were the main bathroom, the scary bathroom (it was off of the pool room and spiders and bugs liked to use that toilet), and THE MOTHER FUCKING POOL ROOM.  It had a big old pool, a hot hot hot tub, a weird little staircase-landing thing that went up to the window in the living room which I used to sneak up on and bang on the window when Jaclyn was sleeping.  The pool room was the greatest room.
The pool, cover still on… hot tub to the right
Sunday was the day we arrived.  That day was filled with unpacking, bbq, taking in our home for the next week and hot tub drinky time.  Let me pose a riddle to you… how can I have half a bottle of wine yet only drink one glass?  Drunk magic, that’s how.  Drinking in a hot tub is so great, there’s no other drunk like it.
Monday was the day that we decided would be best to try out horseback riding.  It was amazing, terrifying, fun and exhilarating all at the same time.  Jaclyn said my horse was named Andre 3000.  I was so afraid that he was going to hate me, be mad he got the fat girl and just buck me off of him.  But Andre 3000 took it like a champ.  We went up hills, slopes, up and down steep terrain, through a stream, saw a raccoon in a tree and I was just so pleased that my riding boots ACTUALLY went riding and aren’t just a fashion statement.  I will never wipe the trail dust off these here boots.
Me before the ride, looking like the Dork Knight in my helmet.
The pool and the hot tub will never feel so good as after a long day riding the trails.  I must have switched from the pool to the hot tub and back a dozen times.  I played some beer pong on the inflatable pool pong table!  I can’t remember if I won or lost, but I was drunk so I call that a win. 
Tuesday was my BIRTHDAY!  WOO!  Except less “woo” and more “I think I need some theraFLU!”  Such a bummer that I ended up getting sick on my birthday.  I was sad, but I didn’t want it to ruin my good time, let alone ruin everyone else’s time.  The plan for that night was to go to a restaurant and bar called the Stonewall Jackson because that sounded country as shit, plus they had karaoke at the bar.  After dinner, I was feeling more sick than earlier and the bar was looking like a college bar more than anything so we just decided to go home, drink for free, or go to bed early after some Nyquil for me.  You know you’re getting old when you walk into a college bar, decide you just can’t deal, and walk right the fuck back out.  After leaving there, I went to Food Lion who had their pharmacy section open so I could buy some medicine, went home, ate some cake and wished everyone good night while I had that good medicine coma sleep.
Wednesday was the day we designated as the day we’d go see the Luray Caverns since the weather wasn’t so great that day, we figured it would be a good outing since it was inside, underground, or whatever.  We had lunch at a really charming restaurant, bought a bunch of wine and gifts at a very out-of-place hippie store Rainbow Hill and then went to the caverns.  It was really beautiful in a very haunting way.  There were also a lot of rock formations that looked like dicks.  There was also a really rude woman from Texas who exclaimed “some people have NO respect” at either me for stopping on the path to take a picture, just like everyone else was doing the whole time, or at Jaclyn for saying “hell” when she was trying to figure out how the hell her camera worked.  Fuck you, Old Texas Mullet Bitch.  Fuck you and your mullet.  
Caves.  Dark, dank, full of bitches.

Wednesday was going to be the one day all week I cooked dinner, but having some kind of literal cabin fever, I went and layed down to sleep while the men cooked the dinner I had planned:  Tuscan Baked Bean Casserole and Salad.  They made it very well.  I still wasn’t feeling up to the hot tub/pool fun so I spent the night reading and watching TV.  I was happy with that, I swear.  I was bummed out to be sick, surely, but I was not going to be a whining, crying lump.  I made the best of it.

Thursday was to be our last full day there.  The weather was doing better and we didn’t have anything planned save for laying around, doing what we want, and a leisurely drive along Skyline Drive which was a winding scenic road through the Shenandoah Mountains.  It was a really nice trip with lots of scenic turnoffs to take pictures like this:
It was scenic as shit! At one point I saw some deer by the side of the road, so I went to go approach them and make friends, but they did not care for me.  I’m guessing because I’m a Yankee.
I was determined that night that I would enjoy the hot tub for one last time, sickness be damned.  You know what’s a great combination?  Cold medicine, Sudafed, half a bottle of wine, other assorted boozes and a hot tub.  I was feeling GOOD that night.  I didn’t go in the pool, thinking the colder water (if you count 82 as “cold” but it was compared to the 102 of the hot tub) would not be good with me having a cold.  It was a grand way to end vacation, I tell you what.
All in all, vacation included a lot of this:
Jamaican rum – best I ever had!
A bunch of this:
Finally started reading Stephen King’s 11/22/63 that I got for Christmas:  A VERY COMPELLING READ.
And way, way, WAY too much of this:
Just one of thousands of bugs that committed bug kamikaze on or near our cabin.
That, friends, is how you do a vacation.  Go into the woods with no wifi, cell connection or anything and drink yourself silly.  Read books, eat food, fuck bitches.
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