Has everyone read this post over at Hyperbole and a Half.com already? Go ahead, there are lots of pictures. Ok, good? Let’s continue.
I hate how much I could relate to that. I feel as though I owe some sort of explanation or epic great post once I get out of my rut and actually blog about something and assure people that no, I’m not dead; and no, I didn’t quit blogging. But I don’t have an epic or great post. And this is sort of my explanation.
I didn’t quit blogging.
I quit everything.
It snowballs, and it gets bigger and bigger. At first it’s just “why bother getting dressed, it’s not like I’m going anywhere.” Then it becomes “why bother doing anything, nothing matters either way.” It makes you look at the depression medication commercials of animated black holes and bath robes and you go “yeah, it’s just like that.” It’s nothing like the sad Zoloft rock from days of yore. It’s “I’m going to wear a bath robe for days on end, fuck y’all.”
I was depressed at how depressed I felt and that just kept pushing me deeper into the “fuck my life why do I even bother” hole of misery. Then I just stopped caring. Not in the kill-yourself way of stopping caring. It’s that I stopped feeling badly about all the shit that I’d been feeling guilty about. Sleep till 1 PM? Who cares, do what you want. Lay on the couch all day and accomplish not one damn thing? Fuck it, that’s the only thing you got to treat yo self with, it’s your life, live it how you want. Still haven’t thought of one good original idea to blog about? Who cares, no one’s asked so no one noticed I’m absent from the internet, go play Sims for 8 more hours and binge eat a pint of ice cream.
It’s sleeping days and staying up nights. It’s feeling useless, worthless, and as though you make no worthy contribution to anyone’s life. Once I’m at my lowest and don’t want to talk to anyone, I shut off my phone, I hide my phone, I turn off all my online chat mechanisms and just go off the grid. I won’t call, text, nothing. Friends, if you haven’t heard from me in a while, this is why. I’m just a black hole of negativity and wah-wah sad times. There’s nothing fun about this that I want to burden people with daily.
So why am I writing this? Because I know there’s other people going through this too. It’s important to know you’re not alone. And I know you can hear the cliche of “it gets better” and want to punch anyone in the face who tells you that, it’s got to get better. That’s my point of view that is helping me creep back into having a “normal” life, little by little. I don’t know when or how it will get better, but it will. Because I’ve had low times like this before and it got better. One bad thing in your life doesn’t define it. Things won’t be shitty forever. So do one thing, don’t worry about doing all the things. Tomorrow I’ll say I’ll do one thing, and then I will feel good for having done it. Maybe it will snowball in a positive way and I’ll do two things. Maybe I’ll get overwhelmed by the one thing. But as long as I keep pressing on and at least trying to live and do, things are getting better.
Today I knew things were starting to get a little better because I had a good idea for a blog post (that isn’t this one), and because I had the courage to actually write all this shit out. So stay tuned… there’s gonna be an awesome video coming up within a week.