No1Curr: Facebook Edition

Why am I (or any of us) “friends” with people on Facebook that we went to high school with?  I am friends with people that I cannot remember even having one conversation with during the 4 years of adolescent hell, the 2 years of middle school madness and even some people from elementary school.  Why are we “friends” then? So I can dislike you and feel superior?  So I can roll my eyes at each of your status updates?  So me and my bff Jaclyn can talk smack about your “relationship” maybe?  I don’t know… but here’s shit people put on Facebook that I don’t care about.

1.  Your kids.
Unless they are doing something funny or actually cute, go away.  No one cares about their craps, sneezes, schoolwork, sleeping schedule or farts.  Make it funny or go away.

2.  Going to the gym.
“Better go to the gym today, it’s been a couple days!” “Just got back from the gym, what a workout!” Again, no one cares.  You’re telling everyone you went to the gym… why?  Do you feel accomplished or do you need to share with us that you feel less like a sloth?  It doesn’t count when ***I*** post about going to the gym because a: it’s a miracle if I go and you should play some lucky numbers that day or b: I am on the verge of death from actually exerting physical activity and this is the last you’ll hear from me.  I’ll be honest, I like hearing from people about working out and eating healthy if it is like a support thing and they are honestly proud of themselves for fighting the good fight for once, but some bitches need to quit humble-bragging their gym attendance record.  The only person I am always GO GIRL when they post about their physical activity is Jen Austin, because I am so rooting for her to go for the gold in the Olympics this year!  Go get em, girlfriend!

3.  Your Relationship.
You should not be sharing as much as you are.  When you switch your relationship back and forth from “married” “single” “it’s complicated” and “engaged” more than once, I count you out as an insufferable petty idiot that should be in a relationship with no one but and a pack of batteries.

4.  Your Job.
Stop complaining about work.  It is tacky.  Be thankful you HAVE a job.  If you’re that unhappy with your bullshit job, then find a better one.  Own it, leave it or shut the fuck up.  Don’t phone it in, it’s your life you know.

“If you love Jesus, then share this pic!” Where in the Bible did He ask this?  Was it right after John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another”  I don’t think that John 13:35 was “A second command I give you, arbitrarily share a PHOTO OF ME, JESUS, on Facebook, because if you don’t, you obviously are going to hell.  With the devil and fire forever and ever amen.”  I also will not give any dambs to posts about dying children.  No, not because I am a heartless bitchwhore in a twatkayak … but because no one in no country will donate any percentage of a penny towards some dying kid’s wish or foundation or anything ever.

6.  Games.
I won’t even hate on the games because I’m guilty of playing them.  If you don’t like it, block the games, just the way I do with any game that I do not participate in.  Don’t post stupid shit complaining about game posts on Facebook.  Just block it.

7.  Vaguebook.
Say it or don’t say it.  Name names or shut up about it.  Don’t be like “…sigh… whatever… wah.” or “…always disappointed…” or anything else that alludes to you being sad or angry with someone without being specific.  Why? I will not play this game with you!  You are posting cryptic things in a ploy to get people to ask you what is wrong or what is going on.  I WILL NOT BITE.  You be up front and we’ll talk some shit.  You be vague to get pity, you can go and fuck yourself.  These are the same people who have to be invited twice or three times to a party before they accept.  

8.  Shit spelled all horrible and ghetto.
Don’t add younger members of your family as friends on Facebook or you will get updates like this:
little ass wanna b gansters in this fucking town trying to size me up ur like 13 stfu n suck a dick”
lastnight was a banger in a half i was so fucked up i barly remmber what happen lmao wat a good night”
fuck this shit going in tn not given a fuck what happens tn u heard cuz ik where i stand ik it was a game that why i played that shit like i do best fuck bitch and get that money u heard”

At least these things came from a 19 year old.  Woe unto woe is the person who is well out of adolescence and still thinks this counts as communication.

9.  Twitter things on Facebook.
Twitter is for live-tweeting, not Facebook.  Don’t clog up the whole timeline with whatever you are watching on TV or sports events.  Ghad, especially sports.  Secondly, what WHAT is the point of #hashtags on Facebook?  They serve a purpose on Twitter, but on Facebook… I don’t even understand.  It is a road to nowhere.

10.  Inspiration and Deep Thoughts
Your inspirational quotes do the opposite of their purpose.  I don’t get inspired, I get enraged.  I don’t even know why… it’s just so cheesy and placating and… can’t you think of something original to say?  Or how about when people wax poetic and have their deep thoughts about relationships, drama, baby-daddy drama, single-life revalations, life revelations about “turning negatives to a positive, focusing on myself, no more drama, just gonna love me and my lil baby boo” or whatever shit.  You are back within one week posting the same damn shit.  Quit with the platitudes and actually do something about your damn life already.  Quit posting duckface bathroom pics of yourself just to get some “likes” as ego-snacks and do something with your damn life!

In conclusion, if you’re not being funny, I am annoyed.  Funny or GTFO.    

2 Responses to “No1Curr: Facebook Edition”

  1. Jaclyn




  2. Bonnie

    As a friend who experienced the same trash group of “friends” in high school….this was hilarious figuring out which loser was which. I just want to say that one of my personal pet peeves on fakebook is when people keep writing how much they need to get laid on there Sorry hunny. Just buy a vibrator and be done with it. Your duckface pics are not helping your case.


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