Legions of Doom

In case you don’t cross-reference different blogs on the internet, you might not know that Jaclyn has lesions on her brain.  So far, the doctors do not know why, but she could possibly have Multiple Sclerosis.  There have been other possible illnesses that have been ruled out, such as brain herpes and Lyme’s disease.  In case the doctors have not done enough research and tests, here are my scientific theories on the causes of each of Jaclyn’s brain lesions (or “legions” as she texted us all after hearing news from the doctor.  you really can tell she’s dropped some brain matter) that have been backed up in my lab*

(*by “lab” I mean empty bottle of wine in the recycling bin)

MRI Quality imaging of Jaclyn’s brain lesions

1.  Living in New Jersey
This is the most likely reason she has brain problems and all New Jerseyans end up with chronic health problems.  We keep living in this state that is a glorified toxic waste dump.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that most of this state is a massive Superfund site that is not being cleaned up.  Both Jaclyn and I lived on streets that are right now, currently, immediately and at the very second you are reading this, being patrolled and monitored by men in haz-mat suits from a chromium spill from a metal plating factory in 1983.  No one was alerted to the danger of this until about October.  So yay, chromium poisioning!  There was also another spot in our town close to the river that is a hazardous chemical spill site.  Hell, the town I currently live in right now had some sort of chemical spill earlier this week.  That could explain this nagging cough I’ve had….

2.  Evil Eye
One time when Caitlyn was like a month old, Jaclyn brought her to the mall.  Later on in the evening, her baby was not feeling well.  As a new mom, she was concerned and was talking to her mother-in-law from Peru via Skype.  The obvious diagnosis?  Someone at the mall had given her child the evil eye, and he evil must be purged via Skype Voodoo.  Perhaps Jaclyn caught some of that evil eye that very same day, and it’s been festering ever since.  If only Jaclyn had gotten her some of that evil-ridding voodoo she could be lesion-free right now.

3.  Not Praising Jesus or Making a Pact with Satan
Sometimes when bad things happen to a seemingly good person over and over again, you start to feel a little bit like Job and perhaps God is messing with you.  You start to wonder if perhaps a weekly trip to the religion factory might do your heathen ass some good.  “If only I’d praised Jesus like a good Christian, God would not have stricken me ill!”  This is a possibility.  Or on the other side of this coin, perhaps it is a good time to make a pact with the devil.  You know how in movies, TV and cartoons someone could say “I’d sell my soul for a ham sandwich” and boom, Devil in a Blue Dress shows up and you sign an elaborate contract and suddenly your problems are fixed?  Maybe it’s time to see if that is real, and see if the devil will cure Jaclyn of her lesions if she will just join the Legions of Satan.

4.  Texts from Rodolfo
I am of the staunch belief that each time Jaclyn has to read a text message from her husband, a brain cell commits suicide.  English is not his first language.  He speaks English relatively fine, but his text messages are so fucking immigranty.  Here are some examples:

  • Randon, no real context:  “Nice job, garbage bags,” “ My back hurt,”  “fuck, i left the chicken nuggets,” “nice out”  “I got 13 t-shirts for $20 for my uncle”
  • Poor, Immigranty Grammar & Spelling:  “how its everything?”  “how its ur play” (in regards to Jaclyn and her mom going to a Broadway show)   “Tjank u”, followed immediately by “everytjing ok?”   “any excuse to dont go to work eh?”. (Just sounds like he was wearing a sombrero and crossing a border while he wrote it. [this, for the record, was in reference to her dad not going to work, not Jaclyn in the hospital. He’s not THAT big an asshole, I guess])
  • Regarding Jaclyn in the Hospital:   “tell ur doctor that u have a cat”   The day Jaclyn went to the ER, he left before she was put in a room. She  told him that once she got one, she would text him the room number so he would know where she was. When Jaclyn sent that text, only a couple of hours after he left, a text he was actively waiting for, he responded with “wtf”   When he sent her deadbeat dad to the hospital without Jaclyn’s direct approval, she bitched him out for it, appropriately so. His response “ur biching now”   Jaclyn then pointed out that her dad probably didn’t have money for parking and that she (THE HOSPITAL PATIENT) would have to pay for it for him. His responses, again, in rapid succession, were: “Dont”, “Fuck him” and “Is ur father with you”.
5.  Drinks I Have Made For Jaclyn
I’m sorry I gave you brain problems with my super strong moonshine-esque drinks.  No one likes when Nadine plays bartender for a reason.  Nadine’s drinks are flammable and illegal in most municipalities.  Sorry about your brain, I just wanted to get you drunk.  But hey, at least now you’re slurring your speech LIKE YOU ARE DRUNK indefinitely!  Mission accomplished? What I mean is I’m sorry and You’re Welcome.
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4 responses to “Legions of Doom

  1. This is so awesomely magical and unicorns and raisins.

    Arbitrarily, singing sombreros. Also? Doom.

    More coherently though, all of your reasons are valid. That chromium shit is fucked up. I’m gonna sue the shit out of chromium. And listening to dumb people talk? Between my dad and Rodolfo, I’m lucky I have any function parts of my brain left at all.

    You are the master of brain drawing. I love everything about this post!

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