Kim Kardashian Getting Married is Ruining the World

Well the world is going to shit.

I’m sure Westboro Baptist Church will blame all this apocalyptic shit on gays being allowed to get married in New York or whatever, but I’m pretty sure all the horrible shit going down is because the prophecy is close to being complete, as Kim Kardashian has taken a groom.

The other day, I experienced my first earthquake.  I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY.  STOP IT NOW.  I should only have to live in fear of spray tans, crossing state lines and subsequently having to pump my own gas, and a Taylor Ham blight.  Earthquakes?  No.

What was the earthquake like?  Well I had just heated up my lunch, some mac & cheese, and tasted it, and it was bland.  I put some Sriracha sauce on it, settled down on the couch to watch some Grey’s Anatomy, and as I took the first rooster-sauce laden bite, the world shook.  Things shook for about a minute… I felt the couch moving, the walls vibrating, the floor… everything was moving as through a truck hit my building.  Just as I’d remembered what to do in case of an earthquake (move into a doorframe? or the bathroom… the bathtub? I’ll go stand in the bathroom doorframe) it had stopped.  I was startled enough, but there wasn’t anything to “do” really, so I just un-paused the DVR and finished my lunch.

Patrice from Hell and Heartaches provided eyewitness footage of the earthquake on her website…

As though an earthquake wasn’t enough evidence that the end of times is upon us, now I’m dealing with a hurricane.

They’d been hyping this storm all week, and it seemed pretty legit, so the boyfriend and I made sure to stock up on groceries.  Non-perishables in case there’s no power, two cases of water… that sort of thing.  Though to be honest, a couple days without food could do both of us pretty good.  I need to go on the Armageddon diet.  I also went out on Thursday and stocked up on supplies we might need – a battery-powered lantern, batteries and candles.  I got large tea lights, small tea lights and those Jesus & Mary candles that I don’t really understand their significance…

I’ve been inside all day and it’s boring.  At first, I was excited to do shopping and make a mock panic-room, but then the news kept driving it in how serious this could be and I was all oh crap.  This might be awful?  The worst of the storm is supposed to be starting now for my area and will continue until tomorrow afternoon.  All that’s currently happening is that it is raining.  It’s raining sort-of hard, but not the worst rain I’ve ever seen, as a matter of fact, I experienced a harder rain storm about two weeks ago, so I’m pretty underwhelmed.  I don’t necessarily WANT the power to go out, but I don’t want to feel like I was just tricked into stoking the fires of the failed economy by purchasing a bunch of disaster supplies.

  This seemed like a pretty legit storm though, they evacuated a lot of towns in New Jersey, parts of NYC and shut down all mass transit starting at noon today.  HOBOKEN WAS FORCED TO CLOSE THE BARS AT 8 PM, Y’ALL.  HOBOKEN.  SHIT IS GETTING REAL.  I kept checking the news to see if my town would be mandatory or voluntary evacuations since we are close to the water, but we are on neither list so me, the boyfriend and the cat are all staying put.  Watched Zombieland earlier, so that made a hurricane seem like small shit compared to zombiepocalypse.  The DirecTV just started to fade out so we played Mario Party 8 on Wii and now we’re watching X-Files on Netflix.   It’s hard times on the boulevard over here, y’all.

There’s also tornado warnings.  Fuck all this shit.  I’m goin’ underground.

3 Responses to “Kim Kardashian Getting Married is Ruining the World”

  1. D

    When Hoboken closes the bars, you KNOW shit is hitting the fan!

    Surrounded by water 2.5 miles away on one side, and 4 miles on the other… I’m hoping we don’t need an ark tomorrow!

    Stay safe! See you on Twitter!

  2. Nadine

    Yo… if I were you, I would have left Lawn Guyland by now girl. Hide your butt in the basement… unless your basement floods. I hope this one doesn’t.

  3. puravida

    Taylor ham blight? Holy shit this thing is for real. I’m from Jersey as well (grew up in Linden, so you can imagine how spicey my language truly is).

    I think you have a great idea, write the Armaggedon diet. Need to burn some calories…fight the guidos at the local 7-11 for the last big gulp.


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