I Tried to Make Clickbait…. and you won’t believe what happened

I’m a sucker.

There, I said it.  I. Am. A. Sucker.  Sell me something and I’m buying it.  I see a commercial and I want the thing.  I am susceptible to limited-time only foods (I ate the hot dog from Burger King and you won’t believe what happened! [diarhhea]) and as-seen-on-tv items in a serious way.

Things I’ve Bought from As-Seen-On-TV

  • Sham Wow
  • Spicy Shelf
  • Vegetti
  • Oxy Clean (before it got popular)
  • U Glu Adhesive Strips
  • Ped Egg
  • Rapid Defrosting Tray
  • Shark Rotator Vacuum (this is actually a really good vacuum 10/10 would buy again)
  • and many more!

Emails about sales at stores I like, they know my soul.  But the one that gets me on a daily friggin basis is clickbait articles.  I hate myself as I’m clicking on them to see “what happens next will amaze you” headlines.  I know it’s going to be stupid, underwhelming or schmaltzy but I do it.

Then I thought …. wait a second…. those clicks…. could be MY clicks!

What if people were clicking on MY blog?

So I set out to do a thing.  I was pretty vague.  I see a lot of “I ______ for a week, and here’s what happened” articles.  They intrigue and annoy me in equal parts.  I’m also still fat so I’m like ok let’s do some kind of weight loss thing for a week and then blog about it.

 “I ate like my infant daughter for a week…. and here’s what happened.”

Go on a diet based on only foods that I would feed to my baby!  Long story short, she now eats McDonald’s because of my dedication to the story.

I kid.

She eats very healthy.  When I was doing this project, she ate mostly purees, which I made at home myself (#humblebrag) – applesauce, pears, peaches, carrots, peas, squash, oatmeal, yogurt.  She ate some baby crackers, puffs and yogurt melts as she was starting out on finger foods.

My girl's breakfast, lunch & snacks for the week
My girl’s breakfast, lunch & snacks for the week

But the fact of the matter is, I can’t stick to a diet under normal circumstances.  So I also got my BFF to go in on this with me, and we vowed to snapchat each other pictures of everything we ate.  Here are some of my photos….

Image

I ate things like applesauce, yogurt, salad, fruit, hummus, oatmeal, cous cous, chicken, vegetables and crackers.

What happened?  I lost like 10 pounds in a week.  No joke.

Now I’m over here lamenting “waaaaah I need to lose weight” as though I don’t know how.  I clearly CAN when I put my mind to it.  I. Just. Don’t. Like. It.  Eating healthy sucks, getting my food ready sucks, having to think about things in advance and plan meals sucks. I didn’t even last the whole week on this diet, only 5 days-ish.  And I LOST 10 POUNDS.  What the fuck self, maybe if you apply yourself to trying just a little bit every day instead of trying to do some weird click-bait article, magical things will happen.

I’ve gotten to that point where I’ve tried too many weird diets that I don’t even remember how to eat the health. Are apples still good? Do I eat carbs? Don’t talk to people who eat gluten? What’s a quinoa? And Dear Sweet Lord Please God No Kale.

Dieting pros:

  • lose weight
  • feel better
  • more confidence
  • clothes look good

Dieting cons:

  • I just got an ice cream maker for my birthday
  • I really like ice cream
  • Brownies go good with ice cream
  • Worried about decreasing breastmilk supply

All in all, my week-ish of eating basic, healthy foods that I’d let my baby eat taught me that I can eat better but I just don’t.

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2 responses to “I Tried to Make Clickbait…. and you won’t believe what happened

  1. …We’re still on for Guy Fieri: Mayor of Flavor Town though, right?

    And I have no complaints about Oxy Clean.

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