Dating is hard. I am really glad that I don’t have to put myself out there and meet new people anymore. People are generally awful. Larry David is my spirit animal.
Here are some examples from friends out in the dating world that makes me glad I don’t have to try to rub up on strangers anymore:
1. My one girlfriend mentioned in her dating profile that she likes burgers. Meets a guy who proceeds to take her out on a date to Burger King. And made her pay for her half. There was no second date.
2. Another friend was perusing dating profiles and one candidate went on in length about his love of pie. And not like… hair pie… if you think he’s trying to be like dirty-clever. Somehow, having a whole blog about loving pies doesn’t necessarily disqualify him from dating.
3. I don’t know this person, but based upon the volume of tail that Taylor Swift writes about in her sad heartbreak songs, she ain’t the kinda girl you wanna date. I think by the 2nd date, she is sending a dude proofs for their wedding invites or some shit.
4. One guy gave my friend an Easter basket filled with candy and cat toys. Because she’s trying to shake the shackles of being a crazy cat lady and get out into the dating world. Seems like a nice gesture on his part, right? He ended things right as they started to get kinda real, since he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” Then get off the dating internet, asshole!
5. This is actually a story of my own from my dating days. I worked at the mall and met a guy who seemed nice while working, though he wasn’t really my type. I accepted anyways a coffee date. He picked me up after work and we drove to a Starbucks. He thought he was hot shit because he had an Acura and he used literally every pick up line within the 5 minute car ride that I’d ever heard. He was also Indian and had an accent and sang this song to me in broken English:
See, I’m not hating on anyone that dates foreigners or anything. It just wasn’t MY scene and I was trying purposely to give this guy a chance, even though at first glance he wasn’t necessarily “my type.” There was no second date after that.
Another story… was when I dated this Marine. Sounds hot, right? He was ok. But like… I just wasn’t into him. So I gave him the slip. Just stopped returning his calls, emails, texts and everything. That is supposed to be enough of a hint, right? No. One day he IMed me on AIM and like HAD IT OUT with me, telling me how awful I was and how could I just do the dip like that and HE LOVED ME. Um, we had 3 dates and you were in love? Bye crazy. Bye.
So, in conclusion, godspeed to all you crazy people out there who are single and mingling and still persevering onward in your quest in rubbing yourself another person. It’s a jungle out there.
I’m really thankful I found someone I love and like and enjoy being with. My boyfriend is 1,000 times better than any strange I’m gonna encounter out in the world.
***Edited to Add***
Just got off the phone with my friend who was in tears after her latest disaster date. After some online correspondence via a popular dating website with a man who seemed Nice and Normal, she met him for a date at the bowling alley. Cute enough date venue, I suppose. Well, this man… he had special needs. And I don’t mean like he needed to be peed on in order to reach climax. I mean he was mentally challenged. High functioning enough, but was mentally handicapped. She called this her most awkward date ever, and it was disappointing to everyone. She was more than sad that she made HIM sad by saying “you are nice and this was fun, but this isn’t going to work out.” Maybe someone else made his dating profile, which if that is the case, shame on them. My friend has her own disabilities, being partially deaf, using a cane and occasionally a wheelchair, but she is up front about all her limitations that perhaps another person might rule as a dealbreaker when it comes to dating. And that’s fine! People are allowed to say “you know what, I do not want to date someone with a disability.” That is fine.
Basically, this conversation led us to thinking… Well, there’s J-date for Jewish People, and Christian Mingle for Super Christians, and For Farmers Only for the rural type… perhaps there is an R-Date out there… you know… and then both of us warmly acknowledging that we are indeed going to hell for coming up with R-Date for special people.